


Bones

by kfcliam



Series: Skin and Bones [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Fashion & Models, Anorexia, Bulimia, Cutting, Depression, Drug Use, Eating Disorders, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, self hate
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-18
Updated: 2014-06-18
Packaged: 2018-02-05 05:03:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1806301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kfcliam/pseuds/kfcliam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nothing I do is good enough.</p><p>Nothing.</p><p>I let out a sob as I dragged a blade across my wrist.</p><p>Pathetic.</p><p>Ugly.</p><p>Worthless.</p><p>Most of all,</p><p>FAT.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bones

**Author's Note:**

> this may trigger you so please be careful. feedback and kudos are appreciated. find me at @baesicemily on twitter or swirvstagram on tumblr

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"That's it, keep it there...and that's a wrap! Thank you, Mr. Styles"

I let out a sigh of relief. Thank god that was over. I'm fat enough already, but the camera really does add ten pounds, which is the last thing I need. I twisted the top off my water bottle to refill it. I knew I had to go for a run, especially after Niall and Zayn treated me to lunch. I ate half of one of those little salads, and I can just _FEEL_ the food sticking, the calories being absorbed, the sick feeling I get after. I put the top on my water bottle, then changed into some sweats and sneakers. I was glad it's winter, that way the boys can't question my outfit of choice.

"I'm going for a run" I told them. They nodded in response, then finished packing up their things. I hate being a distraction, but they worry if I don't let them know where I'm going. It's like they're my parents. I care, but they annoy me to no end sometimes, with their constant questions and constant worrying and the cooking. Oh god, the cooking. I can't escape a meal unless I fabricate some excuse. I hate lying to them, but I hate the feeling of food clinging even more. Most of them seem to work. I actually keep the list at all times, so I can use it to my benefit.

I ate already.

I'm not that hungry.

I had a huge (insert meal here).

I feel sick.

I'm tired.

I had (meal) with (insert name).

The list goes on and on.

I ran for a total of 2 hours, and I burned 836 calories. It's satisfying to know that I can resist the hunger pangs. They hurt like hell, but at least I can control myself. I have that. I will be perfect. I walked in the house and headed straight to the bathroom, where my judge lies. It's like a courtroom, in all honesty; it's pure torture, waiting for the verdict. The number displayed was still in the triple digits.

I kneeled over the toilet, and let two of my fingers scrape against the back of my throat. All 247 calories went into the toilet. Still not enough. I thanked my stars that Niall, Zayn, and Liam weren't home yet. Sharing a flat means having meals together. I remember when I used to enjoy them. When I used to be happy. Then when I got this job, I noticed something: everyone was thinner than me. A realization hit me like a hammer on a nail-

Nothing I do is good enough.

_Nothing._

I let out a sob as I sank to the floor, dragging a blade across my wrist; as I did this, I came up with a list of reasons as to why I'm not good enough.

Pathetic.

Ugly.

Worthless.

Most of all,

_FAT._

I watched as the blood oozed out, sticky and warm, and...calming. I cleaned up the evidence, put some band-aids on my cuts, then got in the shower. Even though it was on hot water, I was still freezing. I got out, then changed into some of my thickest clothes and headed to my room. I climbed into bed and pulled the duvet up around me, and my cat Dusty came to join me. It's nice to know that something cares about me, but it's not enough. It hurts to see the beautiful, flawless Louis Tomlinson with his equally perfect girlfriend, Eleanor Calder. I can't get it out of my head. I know he doesn't like me because I'm too fat. That's all he sees.

That's all anyone can see.

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Zayn invited me out for dinner, but without Harry. I don't know why. Harry's our best mate, we do everything together. This must be pretty serious if we didn't invite him along. Harry said he was going for a run, he might be home by now. I'm still worried about him.

I walked in the Lamb & Flag, and joined him at the table we always sit at. A waitress handed us our menus and drinks, and rushed off to deal with some rowdy customers. This place gets packed on Friday nights, especially when people have parties here. I don't mind really. The atmosphere is inviting, much more so than the studio. I like my job, but sometimes it gets old. It's alright, I just keep snacks hidden around. I always do. 

The waitress came back and took our order. Zayn ordered fish and chips, like he always does. I chose a massive bacon cheeseburger. I knew it was going to be today. I had too much. That's why I drink. It covers up my lie. All it looks like is I had too much to drink. It also takes my mind off a lot of things. Lately, it has become my best friend. I can't get enough of it.

"I'm worried about Harry", said Zayn. I nodded as I took a sip of my drink. "Yeah, Eleanor has said some really nasty things lately, calling him fat and pathetic. It's disgusting what she says about and to him", I commented. "Maybe we should get him something to cheer him up", Zayn suggested. "Yeah! The new FIFA game is out, let's go pick up a copy" I added.

We finished everything, paid the bill and left. It was a struggle to get to the cab. I think Zayn is worried that I'll drink myself into oblivion. 

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Niall and Harry are really worrying me. Niall drinks like crazy, tonight he had 4 shots of Smirnoff. Harry just holes up nowadays, maybe something happened. I don't know what's going on anymore, all I know is I'm trying to be the best mate to them I can be. It's all I can do for them. I wouldn't hesitate to help them if they get themselves into serious trouble.

I'm sure they won't.

They can't.

They're probably fine.


End file.
